My Journal

Hey, this is my journal, where I'll just ramble for big updates. For shorter updates visit my calendar

Credit:

• Note Book Template: DoqMeat
• Inspiration: Halcyon
• Planner Template: Hobonichi Hollyhocks

January 1st 2026 - Reflecting and Resolving

Amazing start to 2026 by waking up to my period at 3am, cramping, back pain, and a migraine 💔, 2027 will be my year fr. I'm just glad to leave 2025 behind though, which is a first because normally I dread New Year's Eve. I remember talking to my friends and we agreed that there were some really high and low moments in the year, no in between lol.

I definitely had my low moments. In the beginning of the year I developed a hidden disability and silently struggled with it. It was anxiety inducing, to the point where even leaving my dorm made me nauseous. And then in May I had a major crashout at a party, where I was sobbing on the streets at 2am with my "friend group". I put that in quotes since most of them I only met once or twice, so it was extra embarrassing for me. Most of them cut me off after that, they won't even say hi to me now. Then in August when I traveled to South Asia, my anxiety hit its max. I was dehydrated, nauseous, stomach ache, tired, and had 2nd worst panic attack of my life. Since I was staying at my parent's hometown, I was lucky enough to go to a nearby hospital and relax. I'm not sure what happened, I just wasn't used to so much travelling since we were going to multiple countries and cities within them. In autumn quarter I had a horrible burnout by taking on so many activities that I went through many depressive episodes. I was bobbing up and down in waves, not sure when the next episode would come. It peaked in December when my mom went to ICU for a medical emergency (she's better now bless). I also grew out of touch with many of my high school friends, which sucks the most honestly. I know our dynamics have permanently changed, and to an extent I've let them go.

Finally, just the world in general sucked. Like having to deal with all the BS that Trump did in his first year. And the multiple wars popping up globally. And the rapid rise of AI taking all my passion. Honestly just technology in general that makes people meaner and distant. And the GOD AWFUL economy holy shit, it's so hard to find a good internship/job & 2 items cost $10. So many reasons to be a young adult right now wow!

But even as a write all of this, I can't help but circle back to my high moments. Like in early Feb I found out I was aromantic, which was very eye-opening. It felt like I unlocked a hidden part of myself, that I was free to explore now. I'll admit, it was scary at first, since being gray aroace dismantled my future plans. Even now I contemplate where I'll be in 10 years with no S/O (especially with societal pressure as an Indian woman), but there's many single people out there who live happily. As a result, I've been able to explore my gender identity as well, I'm really happy to break away from femininity. For example I've cut my hair (planning to go shorter!) and wearing masculine clothes. My uni offers free binders so I will try that. I've come out to my close friends and they've been very accepting. On the topic of friends, While I grow apart from my old ones, I've found comfort in my new college friends. They've stuck with me even in my darkest moments, and I truly cherish that. My favorite moments of the year have just been getting dinner, dancing at parties, wandering the streets past midnight, and watching comfort movies. My relationship with my parents has greatly improved as well. Now that I'm able to act independently, I feel more comfortable around them. My parents are finding their own hobbies/interests so I don't feel obligated to see them, but I still come home every Sunday. In July I was a student counselor for a summer camp, and it was incredibly fun. My campers adored me, calling me nicknames and sharing their interests with me. Oh and despite what I complained about internships, I've recieved a lot of responses - I got a TA position and have a Spring internship! For the first time I'm shifting my career path away from the tech industry, which is scary but also exciting.

The absolute highlight of 2025 was going to my first ever frat party in March. Let me remind you that in HS I was hellishly introverted and did "safe" activites, no parties beyond my friend's birthdays. But this party, hoooooly shit, I'll never forget it. Initially I was very scared, I remember descending down to the basement, thinking to myself "this will be a defining point in my life". And it was - the blasting music, chill yet drunk people, bobbing up and down with my friends while neon lights flashed around us, it's an experience I will never forget. It fundamentally changed who I am. I'm no longer an insecure girl - I enjoy going to parties, chatting up random strangers, leading a group (whether it's a group of kids or adults), presenting in front of 50+ people. My brother and cousins say they can see a visible difference in who I am.

Idk it's just weird to think about how much my life has changed within one year. While 2025 weighed down one me heavily, it brought me up as well. Still, I'm going into 2026 hoping there will be more love on this Earth for us all.